SisterWoman Parenting

Job Description for Parents

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 18:49:26 -0400

Job Description for Parents. Here's a Job Description for Parents. For more parenting fun and advice, visit this forum: http://www.sisterwoman.com/forum/view_forum/20/parenting_and_family/ POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tourna ments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product! Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Kids and the Bible - Parenting

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 18:09:07 -0400

Students in both Jewish and Christian parochial schools were asked to write their responses to questions. This Kids and the Bible email is fun - pass it along. For more parenting fun, visit http://www.sisterwoman.com/groups/?id=280 on www.sisterwoman.com. Kids and the Bible - Parenting Students in both Jewish and Christian parochial schools were asked to write about the Bible. The following are some of the responses (bless their little hearts!): OLD TESTAMENT HISTORY In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went upon Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Lessons My Mother Taught Me - Parenting

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 18:06:32 -0400

Read these Lessons My Mother Taught Me to learn how to raise a child. For more parenting advice, visit the Parenting and Family forum http://www.sisterwoman.com/forum/view_forum/20/parenting_and_family/ at www.sisterwoman.com. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me ABOUT SEX... "How do you think you got here?" My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home." And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU...then you'll see what it's like."

Ready for Kids Quiz - Parenting

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 17:59:32 -0400

Take the Ready for Kids Quiz to see if you've got the right parenting instincts. It's a fun way to pass the time. For more fun parenting topics, visit http://www.sisterwoman.com/forum/view_forum/20/parenting_and_family/ on www.sisterwoman.com. Ready for Kids Quiz - Parenting MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect. PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while. PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Baby Quiz - Parenting

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 17:52:24 -0400

Take the Baby Quiz if you're thinking about adding a little one to your world. To meet other soon-to-be mothers, click here http://www.sisterwoman.com/forum/view_topic/675/first_pregnancy/ on www.sisterwoman.com. Baby Quiz - Parenting Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says divided by two. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.

Parenting 101 - Parenting

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 17:42:49 -0400

Go to your kids for a little Parenting 101 advice. For discussions on all things parental, visit here http://www.sisterwoman.com/forum/view_forum/20/parenting_and_family/ on www.sisterwoman.com. Parenting 101 - Parenting - There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. - If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. - A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. - 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. - It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. - Baseballs make marks on ceilings. - You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. - When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. - A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. - The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. - When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late. - Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. - A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. - A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. - If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. - A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. - Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. - Duplos will not. - Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. - Super glue is forever. - McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. - Ditto Tarzan. - No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. - Pool filters do not like Jello. - VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. - Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. - Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. - You probably do not want to know what that odor is. - Always look in the oven before you turn it on. - Plastic toys do not like ovens. - The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time. - The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. - It will however make cats dizzy. - Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. - Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry. - A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Toddler Property Laws - Parenting

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 17:24:21 -0400

There's a lot kids can learn from their parents - and there's a lot parents learn from their kids. Check out the Parenting and Family forum http://www.sisterwoman.com/forum/view_forum/20/parenting_and_family/ on www.sisterwoman.com for all sorts of parenting topics. Toddler Property Laws - Parenting 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hand, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm doing or building something, ALL the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks just like mine, it IS mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's YOURS.

Love Your Family - Parenting

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 17:20:06 -0400

The best advice for all parents - Love Your Family. Share your advice with other moms in the Parenting and Family forum http://www.sisterwoman.com/forum/view_forum/20/parenting_and_family/ on www.sisterwoman.com. Love Your Family - Parenting When Mother Teresa received her Nobel Prize, she was asked, "What can we do to promote world peace?" She replied, "Go home and love your family." "The family," says Mother Teresa, "is the place to learn Jesus. God has sent the family - together as husband and wife and children - to be His love." In Words to Love By... Mother Teresa writes, "Once a lady came to me in great sorrow and told me that her daughter had lost her husband and a child. All the daughter's hatreds had turned on the mother. She wouldn't even see the mother. "So I said, 'Now you think a bit about the little things that your daughter liked when she was a child. Maybe flowers or a special food. Try to give her some of these things without looking for a return.' "And she started doing some of these things, like putting the daughters favorite flower on the table, or leaving a beautiful piece of cloth for her. And she did not look for a return from the daughter. "Several days later the daughter said, 'Mommy, come. I love you. I want you.' "It was very beautiful. "By being reminded of the joy of childhood, the daughter reconnected with her family life. She must have had a happy childhood to go back to the joy and happiness of her mother's love."

Life Lessons Parents Teach - Parenting

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 17:15:36 -0400

There are valuable lessons we teach our kids. Here's a great reminder that there's nothing more than the Life Lessons that Parents Teach. To meet other cool parents, visit http://www.sisterwoman.com/groups/?id=182 at www.sisterwoman.com. Life Lessons Parents Teach - Parenting One day a rich father took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night on the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "Very good Dad!" "Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked. "Yeah!" "And what did you learn?" The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon." When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless. His son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!"

Why The Lord Made Moms - Parenting

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 16:43:34 -0400

Here's why the Lord made mothers ... Read why it's so great to be a parent. To meet other moms, visit this great moms group http://www.sisterwoman.com/groups/?id=182 on www.Sisterwoman.com. Why the Lord Made Moms - Parenting By the time the Lord made mothers, He was into the sixth day working overtime. An Angel appeared and said "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered and said, "Have you read the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not elastic; have 200 movable parts, all replaceable; run on black coffee and leftovers; have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up; have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart; and have six pairs of hands." The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs of hands! No way!" said the Angel. The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!" "And that's on the standard model?" the Angel asked. The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her head are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even saying a single word." The Angel tried to stop the Lord "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." "But I can't!" The Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower." The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?" asked the Angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate." The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like You have a leak with this model. I told You that You were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak." the Lord objected. "That's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the Angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride." The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything for this one. You even created the tear!" The Lord looked at the Angel and smiled and said, "I'm afraid you are wrong again. I created the woman, but she created the tear!"