SisterWoman Funny Emails

Funny Emails 25 Things You'll Never Hear in the South

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:27:43 -0400

Funny Emails 25 Things You�ll Never Hear in the South 1. Let's wash the car. 2. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? 3. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 4. You can't feed that to the dog. 5. That's enough ketchup on those eggs. 6. No kids in the back of the pickup! 7. Wrasslin's fake. 8. That Civil War documentary was excellent. 9. That aroma? I'm baking fresh bagels. 10. I've got a problem with people who still fly the Confederate flag. 11. Here are my keys, I'm too drunk to drive. 12. Baby... Those jeans are too tight. 13. Don't tie it on top of the car. 14. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 15. Trim the fat off that steak. 16. Why'd you cut the sleeves off your t-shirt? 17. Don't spray primer there... 18. Put that dog on a leash! 19. New York City's an ideal place to vacation. 20. My mobile home is clean AND storm proof. 21. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. 22. I wouldn't drive an American make if you paid me. 23. I ain't riding with you unless both headlights work. 24. It's January, take the Christmas lights down. 25. Checkmate! For more funny emails visit www.sisterwoman.com

Funny Emails 30 Things to do at Walmart

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:26:49 -0400

Funny Emails 30 Things to Do at Walmart 1. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 3. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 4. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 5. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 6. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, 'I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,' and see what happens. 7. Play with the automatic doors. 8. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, 'Who BUYS this crap, anyway?' 9. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a 'test drive.' 10. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, 'Wow.Magic!' 11. Put M&M's on layaway. 12. Move 'Caution: Wet Floor' signs to carpeted areas. 13. Test the fishing rods and see what you can 'catch' from the other aisles. 14. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, '...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!' 15. TP as much of the store as possible. 16. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. 17. Play with the calculators so that they all spell 'hello' upside down. 18. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, 'Red Rover!' 19. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hiredemployees if there are any in stock, i.e., 'Do you have any Shnerples here?' 20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. 21.While handling guns in the huntingdepartment, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 22. Hold indoor shopping cart races. 23. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission: Impossible.' 24. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. 25. Say things like, 'Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?' 26. Set up a 'Valet Parking' sign in front of the store. 27. Two words: 'Marco Polo.' 28. In the auto department, practice your 'Madonna' look with various funnels. 29. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. 30. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, 'No, no! It's those voices again!' For more funny emails visit www.sisterwoman.com

Funny Emails 34 Great Reasons to Be a Man

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:25:27 -0400

Funny Emails 34 Great Reasons To Be A Man 1. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. You know stuff about tanks. 3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 4. You can open all your own jars. 5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. 6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. 8. You can leave the motel bed unmade. 9. You can kill your own food. 10. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 11. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 14. If you are 35 and single, nobody notices. 15. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 16. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. 17. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 18. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." 19. Same work...more pay. 20. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 21. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. 22. You don't mooch off other's desserts. 23. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 24. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. 25. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" 26. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 27. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 28. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 29. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 30. You don't have to shave below your neck. 31. Your belly usually hides your big hips. 32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 33. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. 34. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. For more funny emails visit www.sisterwoman.com

Funny Emails A Letter from Men to Women

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:20:12 -0400

Funny Emails A Letter from Men to Women To all women, On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points: � The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location. � Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing. � When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response. � When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it. � If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch. � If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it. � If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault. � I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look. � Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready. � Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV. � If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own. � I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ. � Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you. Thank you for your understanding, All Men For more funny emails please visit www.sisterwoman.com

Funny Emails A Man's Wish

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:19:25 -0400

Funny Emails A Man's Wish A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Then he ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted, and though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed, where he was expected to make love (which he managed to get through without complaint). The next morning he woke up and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I believe you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night." For more funny emails visit www.sisterwoman.com

Funny Emails Anti-Stress Diet For Women

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:17:38 -0400

Funny Emails Anti-Stress Diet For Women This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with stress that builds up during the day. BREAKFAST 1 grapefruit 1 slice whole-wheat toast 1 cup skim milk LUNCH A small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach 1 cup herbal tea 1 Hershey kiss AFTERNOON TEA the rest of the kisses in the bag 1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping DINNER 4 bottles of wine (red or white) 2 loaves garlic bread 1 family size supreme pizza 3 Snickers bars LATE NIGHT SNACK whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer) REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS" Send this to all the women you know or ever knew, and you will immediately lose 10 pounds. For more funny emails visit www.sisterwoman.com

Funny Emails Ungrateful Spouse Poem

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:14:36 -0400

Funny Emails A Woman's Poem Or A Timely Response to the Ungrateful Spouse... He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake; My biscuits were too hard - Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right, He didn't like the stew; I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer - I was looking for a clue; Then I turned around and smacked him... Like his Mother used to do. For more funny emails visit www.sisterwoman.com

Funny Emails Children Don't Misquote You

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:10:45 -0400

Funny Emails Children Don�t Misquote You 1. You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children. 3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing. 4. There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it. 5. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young. 6. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. 7. Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. 8. Children don�t misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 9. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 10. We child-proofed our home three years ago and they're still getting IN! 11. Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home. For more funny emails visit www.sisterwoman.com

Funny Emails Dating vs. Marriage

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:04:53 -0400

Funny Emails Dating vs. Marriage When you are dating ... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ... You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times. When you are dating ... He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married ... He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating ... He holds your hand in public. When you are married ... He flicks your ear in public. When you are dating ... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. When you are married .... A King size bed feels like an army cot. When you are dating ... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When you are married ... You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" When you are dating ... You enjoyed foreplay. When you are married ... You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" When you are dating ... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason. When you are married ... He grabs your boob any chance he gets. When you are dating ... You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married ... You wonder who will die first. When you are dating ... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy." When you are married ... When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out. When you are dating ... He knows what the "hamper" is. When you are married ... The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area. When you are dating ... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood." When you are married ... He says "It's your job." When you are dating ... He understands that you have "male" friends. When you are married ... He thinks they are all out to steal you away. When you are dating ... He likes to "discuss" things. When you are married ... He develops a "blank" stare. When you are dating ... He calls you by name. When you are married ... He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She." For more funny emails visit www.sisterwoman.com

Funny Emails Definitions Male/Female

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:03:31 -0400

Funny Emails Definitions Male/Female 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. a. female...Any part under a car's hood. b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup." 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. b. male...Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. 4. BUTT (but) n. a. female...The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." b. male...What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. 5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n a. female...A desire to get married and raise a family. b. male...Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. 6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. a. female...A good movie, concert, play or book. b. male...Anything that can be done while drinking. 7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. a. female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion. b. male...An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding. 8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. a. female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. b. male...Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. 9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. a. female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another. b. male...A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes. 10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n. a. female...An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner's attention. b. male...6 months off from spending time with what's her name. For more funny emails visit www.sisterwoman.com